WARNING: Content not for the faint of heart, or those easily offended. If you do not possess a sense of humor, redirect to another page immediately, do not continue reading.
Over a year ago I promised my next post would be about queefs. Well, I’m finally delivering…only a tad bit late.
I know I cannot be the only woman out there with this problem. Especially after pushing out Thing 1 and Thing 2, I just don’t think the ole vaginal canal is what it used to be. So, a while ago I wrote down some thoughts on the issue:
Who even came up with the feasibility/idea for a queef? Seriously, farting aloud is already embarrassing enough. No, give us women two holes, one that smells like shit when it sings, the other like fish. Not to mention the relative sound to motor boating. (Yes, a third whole exists, I know this. Pee hole, Glee hole, and Do-dee hole, what fun! It’s like our own mini planetary alignment in our undershorts.)
When it comes to doing physical activity I now have to wear a tampon, even when I’m not ragging. I use it as a sound barrier between the two worlds of my cavernous va-jay-jay and the realm of humanity. I like to think of it as a “Dignity Plug,” or “Mute-ation Device.”
There is nothing worse than being in a crowded yoga class in downward-dog and feeling your cooch take a deep breath in like it has its own set of lungs. Then as your slide into cobra the force of tightening your abs expels the inhalation and flaps your lips back and forth like they’re clapping. I’m sorry, but there is nothing that exciting taking place down there that stems the need for an ovation.
I often wonder if I’m the only one, then there are days in the yoga class where certain moves elicit a queefing symphony, and I smile knowing my tampon is saving my addition of notes. The smile is then quickly replaced by a turned up nose, the stink of sweat and fish market linger; not a welcoming combination!
For those women contorting your faces into smug positions as if you don’t ever do this, just like you don’t fart or shit, just get over yourself…it’s one of natures many hilarious gifts given to us to laugh about…clap about, however you want to look at it.
Hello Mom. I have noticed that nobody has posted any sort of a reply to this particular post. I see from reading that this particular post lay dormit in the recesses of your mind for almost a year before you so eloquently penned it out. I found it rather straight forward, blunt and a no non-sensical approach to such a personal experience. I must say however, that I found myself duly impressed that, being the thoughtful girl which you are, you provided your readers with a solution to the problem as well.
ReplyDeleteNow, before I decided to post any comments, I Googled and Googled and Googled the phrases "how not to queef", "how to fix a queef", and "solutions so you won't queef". I also tried variations of the phrases and I must tell you, you are the only one who has provided a solution for your fellow females.
From a purely business perspective, I think you should capitalize on this solution. Have you ever thought of writing an e-book and selling it for a price? Have you been in contact with the US Patent Office so that nobody will steal your idea? If not, I highly recommend doing so as soon as possible! Einstein developed the Theory of Relativity, Ben Franklin discovered electricity, and Doc from Back to the Future invented the flux capacitor. You too, can take your place in history if you want with this solution! As a business mogul and philanthropist, I would be happy to assist you in this venture. With over 50% of the world's population being female, think of the impact you can have! Because of your solution, you alone will enter a question into every mind of a female walking the planet, and you oh great mind, will have the solution to the problem, all through the use of a simple, inexpensive tampon! Imagine the possibilities! And what is that question that women in yoga classes and gyms across the world will ask themselves before they start their yoga routine or their workout? It, stated simply is, "To queef or not to queef? That is the question."
Be the solution, be the answer, be the icon!
Sincerely,
Donald Tampon Trump