Bodily Dysfunctions

The other night the things are in the bathtub.  I stepped into their room to get their pj's ready and hear the following:

Thing 2:  "Do you want some tea, braver?"

Thing 1: "Sure"

Silence.

Next, an indescribably heinous fart escapes from Thing 2.  The sound the water made was as if it was trying to drown itself than be the recipient of the gas. 

Which brings me to my main story.  This little "encounter of the turd kind" made me think about what had been going on with me the last few days and my thoughts and feelings towards it.

I started taking some vitamin supplements a couple weeks ago.  I noticed a difference in my energy levels after 2 days which was great.  However, I have noticed that when it comes time to pee, it looks like I'm pissing chem light fluid.  It's neon.  I seriously think if I turned off the light it would glow in the dark!  Cool!

Now comes the worst part of it all.  You know when you fart you can crop dust (walk as you leave the offending trail behind you) so that you don't have to deal with the smell.  Now shitting is a completely different story.

I have found since I've been taking these supplements my shits smell worse than pregnancy shits.  Oh yeah, they're THAT bad! No, the fan in the bathroom does not help.  I can't breathe in through my nostrils for fear of singing all of my little nose hairs. Breathing through my mouth evades some of the smell, but gives you more of a taste of what's being delivered to the porcelain below.  I have to close my eyes to avoid the pungent aroma attacking my tear ducts and making me water.  I breathe as shallowly as possible, but find myself getting light headed…I am literally suffocating myself every time I have to go "do the doo".   I'm all for getting healthy, but damn, is my shit trying to turn me away from food?  I know what I'm eating does not smell bad going in.  Why is it, it could choke a horse coming out?  I would seriously rather do a visit to the gas chamber again with the CS Gas, then to smell what's going on in my bathroom when I go in.  A fart you can escape, but not this.  You're stuck on the toilet having to deal with everything your own ass has to dish out.  There is no running away from the stench until you've successfully wiped your ass and run out of the bathroom crying because you've scarred your sense of smell for life.  I'm starting to question in the supplements are worth it.

Next post…quiefs.  Yes, you read right…quiefs.