Bodily Dysfunctions

The other night the things are in the bathtub.  I stepped into their room to get their pj's ready and hear the following:

Thing 2:  "Do you want some tea, braver?"

Thing 1: "Sure"

Silence.

Next, an indescribably heinous fart escapes from Thing 2.  The sound the water made was as if it was trying to drown itself than be the recipient of the gas. 

Which brings me to my main story.  This little "encounter of the turd kind" made me think about what had been going on with me the last few days and my thoughts and feelings towards it.

I started taking some vitamin supplements a couple weeks ago.  I noticed a difference in my energy levels after 2 days which was great.  However, I have noticed that when it comes time to pee, it looks like I'm pissing chem light fluid.  It's neon.  I seriously think if I turned off the light it would glow in the dark!  Cool!

Now comes the worst part of it all.  You know when you fart you can crop dust (walk as you leave the offending trail behind you) so that you don't have to deal with the smell.  Now shitting is a completely different story.

I have found since I've been taking these supplements my shits smell worse than pregnancy shits.  Oh yeah, they're THAT bad! No, the fan in the bathroom does not help.  I can't breathe in through my nostrils for fear of singing all of my little nose hairs. Breathing through my mouth evades some of the smell, but gives you more of a taste of what's being delivered to the porcelain below.  I have to close my eyes to avoid the pungent aroma attacking my tear ducts and making me water.  I breathe as shallowly as possible, but find myself getting light headed…I am literally suffocating myself every time I have to go "do the doo".   I'm all for getting healthy, but damn, is my shit trying to turn me away from food?  I know what I'm eating does not smell bad going in.  Why is it, it could choke a horse coming out?  I would seriously rather do a visit to the gas chamber again with the CS Gas, then to smell what's going on in my bathroom when I go in.  A fart you can escape, but not this.  You're stuck on the toilet having to deal with everything your own ass has to dish out.  There is no running away from the stench until you've successfully wiped your ass and run out of the bathroom crying because you've scarred your sense of smell for life.  I'm starting to question in the supplements are worth it.

Next post…quiefs.  Yes, you read right…quiefs.

Priceless

Thing 2 (reminder: 3 years old) is finishing his pop tart that he desperately needed before he went to bed.  I am getting tooth brushes ready and already working on Thing 1's teeth.  I tell Thing 2 that he needs to go get a drink of water prior to daddy brushing his teeth.  He looks at me and says "but mommy Istill have food in my mouth."  I tell the little minion when he is finished then, to go get a drink. 

At this moment he is standing in front of the couch where the head thing is laying.  Thing 2 finishes munching on his pop tart and now daddy tells him to go get a drink of water.  I missed the gesture that took place at this point in time but my spouse starts laughing hysterically.  He explains to me that Thing 2 "put his hands up in the air like 'what the fuck dad?' where do you want me to pull the water out of? My ass?"  Then chimes in Thing 2 without any hesitation, "what the fuck dad?"  My jaw dropped to the floor.  I had to cover my gaping mouth with both hands to stifle the laughter that was about to erupt.  I then explain the Thing 2 that he may not say that again because it was a bad word, but damn if it wasn't hilarious to hear him say that!  Ahhh children!

Ummm...sure?

Have you ever been in a situation conversing with someone and you were responding to as minimally as possible so as to end the misery?  They ask a question and you give a two word response hoping and praying that it stops there.  Well, apparently there are people out there that do not pick up on hints.  I'm usually a beat around the bush kind of person, so I remained part of the conversation to be as nice as possible. 

It started with me advertising that I was selling my motorcycle and an acquaintance of mine being interested.  He started chatting with me one night on Facebook.  Standard questions about the bike, which I was more than happy to answer.  Then the conversation somehow took a turn towards cars.  I honestly think at one point I was ready to claw my eyes out because the pressure behind them was mounting.  I can honestly say I did not possess the intellectual capacity to even remotely attempt to keep up with the conversation.  I consider myself verbose and have a sizable knowledge of grammar, but there were words being used that I had no clue what they meant.  I speak fluent English, Pig Latin, Thing-anese, that is it.  I do not understand Testicleese, Carandriver, or Motorin, nor do I ever wish to.  I am quite happy in my little secluded world!  Again, I responded at little as possible, but for some reason that just prompted him to say more.  PEOPLE, sometimes more is NOT better!  By the time I thought the conversation was almost over, I was closer to walking in front of a moving vehicle than understanding his clutch thingamajig he does to drift around a corner.  Make it stop!  I know I could have ended my own misery by logging off Facebook, but I was talking to another friend of mine and not willing to leave that conversation because of this carhead dude.

He moved on from all of the over my head, warning:  brain implosion in 10 seconds, crap, to his jobless state, his ex-wife, and his new found love who is a Mormon.  What on earth did I say or do to make this guy I hardly know, think that I wanted to hear his life story? 

I happened to run into this guy face to face last night at a friends party.  It's really a lot harder to evade people when you're in the same house as them than it is behind a computer screen.  He saw my phone, the iPhone 4.  And that's when it all went downhill...yet again he started another conversation that was beyond the realm of my capabilities.  It's a phone.  It calls people.  It plays music.  It has games.  It has my alarm clock that is an epic failure thanks to my bakery app.  That's what I know about the phone.  I do not know it's resolution specs, nor do I really give a shit.  Can it wipe my ass? No.  I know the basics.  I'm not a techie.  I know I'm a bit geeky, but I make one piss poor example of a geek because I'm fucking clueless.  I tried to keep my responses minimal and a lot of "uh-huhs" and "I don't know's" but to no avail.  After about 10 minutes of being subjected to this...shit I could care less about, he finally walked away to go feed a beer to his face.  Thank the heavens for that!  I was finally saved from his company...hooray!

"Where's your helmet?"

Wow, today had been a series of events.  It started after I came home from taking Thing 1 to school, I put on a kettle of water to make cocoa then went to get on my computer to do some research.  I ended up finding what I was looking for and was very, very enthralled in what was going on.  After about an hour or so of working I got up from my chair and headed for the kitchen.  Wait...what's that awful smell?  Holy shit!!!!  I'm subconsciously trying to burn my house down today or something!  Water is completely boiled out.  My once white kettle is now a nasty smoked color.  I couldn't salvage it if I tried.  Oh, not to mention I need a new burner not too because the paint melted to the coils.

Driving was a task for me today.  I swear my hormones are way outta balance this time because I've seriously been hit by the stupid tree/bus/airplane/unidentified flying object.  Head Thing texted me when he was done with work so I could meet him at the daycare to pick up Thing 2 (he wanted mommy to pick him up today and daddy had his car seat).  While pulling into the parking lot I had to stop to allow a rather large, and ungodly slow woman to cross.  I very patiently sat without a word.  From the back seat chimes Thing 1, "hurry up already woman, you're taking forever."  I'm laughing to myself...ah, my normal irritability while driving has rubbed off on my Things.  Probably not a good thing, but the timing was perfect, the woman was literally moving at the speed of sloth. 

After I get Thing 2 we load into the car then head over to another parking lot to the grocery store because Thing 2 is begging and pleading for pop tarts.  Head Thing drove his car over before me and I didn't see where he parked, so I drove till I found a spot that looked like Cinderella's shoe; the perfect fit.  I get out my phone to dial the spouse but he's already approaching the car.  As he opens the door for Thing 1he asks me "are you wearing a helmet today?  The exit, which you will be coming out of when you're done, is all the way across the parking lot.  You parked at the entrance."  I almost snorted I was laughing so hard at his question.  The only reply I could come up with is "walking is good for you."

Upon our arrival home the spouse assesses the damages at the stove.  And once again starts in with the helmet.  He promises he will be buying me one soon.  Then he came up with the idea of having the helmet and the Bitch Cape together and I can be a superhero.  He says, "but you need a name...like Special Bitch...or....Sped Bitch."  "Sped Bitch?" I ask.  "Yeah, special ed."  Ok, I know my brain function is lacking today but damn!
{For those of you not currently privileged to know what the bitch cape is, allow me to enlighten you.  As a young girls whenever I was in a "mood" my mother would ask me if I had my bitch cape on.  It really bothered me every time she said it.  One night she said it to me and it was the last time I was willing to deal appropriately with it.  So I went to my room, tore up a couple of old dresses and made a black cape with a huge fabric BC in the center with 'BITCH CAPE' surrounding the logo.  For some reason that helped me cope.  Once my mom saw it she about killed herself laughing.  From that point on it became a huge family joke.  That cape was even mailed to one of my cousins, I think}

So I guess my name is officially changing from 'The one Thing to rule them all' to 'Sped Bitch'.  Wow, my self-standards are dropping!

Vacation

Head Thing decides to start bitching last night as soon as we get into bed that I am "encroaching on his territory."  I argue that I am on my half of the bed.  He then decides to make this a game of monopoly and who owns which property, "you're still only bringing home bacon bits. that means you get one third of the bed.  when you bring me home a bacon strip you can have half." 

Oh the remarks that were swarming through my head, "gee dear, since it is 'that time of the month' and i have a legitimate reason to be a bitch, how about I don't give a fuck.  you don't like it go sleep your ass on the couch.  Or better yet, keep it up and you'll find yourself winning a three month, all inclusive vacation to...NO SEX LAND.  For 90 days and 90 nights you can enjoy life without kissing, foreplay, or sex.  Anything that might turn you on you get to now take care of by yourself.  On this vacation, you don't need to worry, I have Bob left to take care of me.  I know you will miss me, and I'm sure I might miss you, but worry not, when I get to sleep on my bed again without you measuring how many centimeters into your space I am we may continue marital relations...until then, enjoy your vacation."

But instead of saying any of these worthwhile remarks I chose to tell him to "shut the fuck up", then purposely backed up into "his" territory, smiled, then fell asleep.

Ehhh, can you tell I'm just not in the mood to deal with BS?  I'd like to thank PMS for making me the bitch I am today.

A whole new meaning to "going South"

I didn't post yesterday because I actually was deliberating on whether or not I should about this specific event that took place yesterday mid morning.  I'm still not quite sure what to say still over 24 hours later.  All I know is that Head Thing missed it because he was staring at his computer screen, but his buddy who was over saw the whole thing and about killed himself laughing.  So here it goes...

Things 1 and 2 were their normal weekend selves, up early, rowdy, and full of energy.  The Things and I had just got done playing this Toy Story Match Game that one of the Old Things got them for Christmas.  As I sat on the chair cleaning up the cards, the Things thought it would be fun to start a "kissing" fight with each other.  I can honestly say, I have no fucking clue where they learned this game.  I don't think Head Thing knows what kissing is, so they certainly didn't learn it from us! 

Being the mean old One Thing to Rule Them All that I am, I quickly warned them against playing this game that it would quickly go south.  That lead to saying, "enough boys..."  But before I could even get it all out everything went south...literally.  Everything started moving in slow motion.  Thing 1 did this crazy ass Matrix move leaning back to avoid an incoming kiss from Thing 2.  Thing 2's head didn't stop. It continued forward to kiss...the inseam of Thing 1's pj pants.  This is the point where I'm in utter shock.  I feel lie I'm doing the slow motion, "nnnnnnnoooooooooo" my face contorting in horrific ways, but no sound was able to escape me.  Head Thing's friend is covering his mouth and is damn near tears.  Finally things start moving at normal speed again for me and I start flipping out, "no, no, no!!! We're done, game over!"  Silently thanking the universe that today is a day that Thing 1 actually had more than just his underwear on and his acrobatics stretching his pants created a gap between the crime scene and the actual goods.  This event gave a whole new meaning to a game going south!  Let's not visit this direction again please, m'kay?

Now that I am mortified beyond belief that one of Head Thing's minions saw this transpire, I'm questioning everything about my parenting up to this point and how I handled the situation.  Overall I think the situation was extinguished rather quickly without any real questions as to why from the Things.  That's the great thing of little one's, their complete innocence.  That's why they can say and do the stupidest shit get away with it!

That was my yesterday!  My today consisted on snow on the East Coast, having to take the Things' out with me to run some errands and cut Thing 2's hair, all while dealing with "the apocalypse is coming" style of drivers. 

Thing 2 screamed bloody murder the whole time his hair was getting combed and trimmed, tears pouring down his cheeks.  Thing 1 must of had shit stuck in his ears today because he wasn't listening worth a damn.  I was seriously ready for a beer at 11 o'clock this morning... that's 5 o'clock somewhere isn't it? 

Role Reversal?

Scientists have said that like women, men have monthly cycles themselves without the awesome benefits of bleeding constantly, bloating, having their breasts feel like they were used for boxing practice, having to shove cotton plugs up the cooch to keep themselves from bleeding all over their sweat pants because nothing else fits this one week of the month...blah, blah, blah.  I really think this was a man who came up with this "monthly cycle" for males shit.  I think he was in a pissy mood, mangina showing, and needed to come up with an excuse so that his man card was not revoked.

However, if this so called "cycle" really exists, Head Thing is on it and bad!  Last night he was literally pacing in front of me pissed off, ranting and raving about something going on with his computer game he plays.  Here I am trying to watch The Soup and attempting to look around him all while trying to ignore him.  I am officially playing the male role. 

I finally pause my show and ask him, "are you done yet?"  Wrong question to ask. 

That set him off to further bitching and moaning, "I'm sorry I was trying to 'communicate' with you.  I thought you liked it when I did that." 

"That I do dear, but your whining about not being able to sell an item in a game, hardly a problem I can help you with."

He finally removes his peter from the mythical cavernous regions of his mangina and stops bitching to me about it.  My show ends and we go back to the bedroom.

I start giving him shit about his big "V" showing.  He begs to disagree. "I am a dick and an asshole.  Hey, you can just call me anal sex."  Dear god there are times Head Thing really needs help.  I respond, "ummm, honey, one, anal sex would be 'in an asshole' not 'and an asshole', two, I'm not quite sure why you would choose that to describe yourself, but I wouldn't go telling your friends that."  Head Thing has never been really good at description, gotta love him for trying though!

So last night I got to play the man in front of the TV and listen to the spouse do nothing but bitch.  Thank you Mr. Scientist who came up with a male version of menses.  It gives men an excuse to be nagging bitches, without due cause.  I'm sorry you couldn't comprehend why women get bitchy, feeling they have no reason to be.  But the day you have to shove products designed by men up your "V" hole, or are so sore it feels like you were pushed down 5 flights of stairs, let me know how nice you feel like being to everyone else around you.  Women have a reason, Mr. Scientist, why don't you research that.

F U Bakery App!

So I have an iPhone 4.  A smartphone so smart it does just about everything but wipe my ass or give me a reach around (if that is even really possible as a female).  I have this one application called Bakery.  Really addicting.  It's your own personal bakery where you have to, guess what, bake and serve items to your customers to make them happy.  Why I find enjoyment in this, I know not.  But Bakery App, I have something to say to you.  Fid du and your stupid alerts of "your food is ready, serve it now" that somehow makes my alarm not go off when it's time to wake up in the morning. 

Today was my first day back for the semester.  Why a college thinks that starting the semester on a Friday is a smart idea, is beyond me.  I really wonder who got paid for that piss poor decision.  Besides the point, I have to be out my door at no later than 7:25 with Thing 1 in tow to take him to school, then get myself to school on time for my 8am class.  My vivid dreaming woke me up, looking at the clock I see it is 7:37, Thing 1 still in bed as well.  I screamed several profanities then looked at my phone to see the message from my bakery letting me know my sugar cookies were ready to be served.  As soon as I ignored that the prompt for my alarm came up.  My phone is so smart that it prioritises virtual food over having my ass up on time.

I yell at Thing 1 to run to get ready because we were very, very late.  I call my teacher to let him know I'm gonna be late, while at the same time trying to throw on clothes within arms reach that look and smell clean.  Total boot camp style dressing session!  I throw on deodorant to cover up the funk, really would have rather had a shower, but no, my alarm couldn't go off for me to be able to do that before going out into public.  So nappy hair, enjoy the ponytail today.

Thing 1 and I race out the door after getting dressed at light speed.  After dropping him off at school the realization hit me, I feel dirty, breakfast is no longer an option, didn't grab anything for lunch, oh and I forgot to brush my damn teeth.  So not only do I look like ass, I smell like it too!  Watch out class mates I'm ripe today!  Needless to say I sat as far away from everyone as I possibly could so as not to offend their nostrils. 

So...oh the phone just dinged, my raspberry macaroons are done at the bakery...yeah, that was my day.  Do you think I will learn my lesson with the app?  To be honest, I could probably sooner shit a life size replica of Auguste Rodin's "The Thinker" before I learned my lesson.  I'll probably just be a little more strategic with the items I make (different items take different lengths of time to make).  So I state, "Fuck you Bakery App, for being fun then turning around and slapping me in the face...all while still being fun enough to make me play with you.  WTF?  This is seriously feeling like a one sided relationship here.  I get to have fun, and get fucked in the process, what do you get?  Huh? Huh?  That's right...nothing."

Some people never learn...I'm one of those people...

What do you do?

Ok, study the above picture and make sure that you are seeing its intended purpose.

This past August I was on a layover flying back home from a lovely weekend in Vegas.  I had had about 4-5 hours of sleep over about a 50 hour period I think, lots of alcohol, and a hell of a lot of walking. 

At this point I thought I was at the hallucinating stage due to a lack of sleep.  But upon closer study, I found that my eyes were not deceiving me and quickly removed my phone from my pocket and took a snap shot.  I'm sure that this was probably not the nicest thing to do, but honestly how do you approach something like this?

"Uh, Ma'am, your uh, crack strap is showing on the outside of your pants?"

"Ma'am, you have dental floss on your back."

"Excuse me Miss, I don't mean to embarrass you, any more than you have embarrassed yourself, that is, but you have come undone." As I gesture towards my nether region. "And it's waving "Hello" at everyone behind you."

Now, would I ever really be that mean and say something like that?  Hell no.  You think I was born yesterday?  People get shot for less these days!  But it is still fun to brainstorm what you could say.  For instance making up captions to go with the photo...

Length of strap hanging out...6 inches.  Length of ass...14 inches... that would be one unlawful case of camel tow!

You could even give the strap its own voice: 

"Help me, PLEASE! I'm suffocating!" 

"You wanted me where? Oh hell no!"

"But it's dark down there, I don't like the dark."

"What in God's name is that smell?"

"I caught the ass end of this deal."

If you can think of some good ones post them as comments to this.  I would love to see what people come up with.

Thanks for reading.  Oh, and if you are offended, I will warn you not to read any of my posts further.  I have a twisted sense of humor and enjoy it on a daily basis.  I live to laugh, and that is my goal with my posts is to spread the laughter on.  Have a great day and hope you come back for more.

What a novel idea!

So my mother texts me the other day and tells me that I need to start a blog.  I questioned as to why she thought that necessary and she retorted because of my childrens' antics.  I had to snicker to myself and agree with her.  So here is the first, of hopefully many, blog post to come about the antics of my life.

For safety and privacy reasons I will not use factual names.  I will say however that I am married to a wonderful man, and have two incredible little boys.  I have come to find my life is very much like a Dr. Seuss book (a lot of Who's and Things).  So for referencing purposes in this and future blogs my oldest son will be Thing 1, since his is my first spawn, my youngest will be Thing 2, and my spouse will be here forth know as the Head Thing. 

I would like to first layout the relationship I have with my husband.  We have been married nearly 7 years, and the current age of 24, I feel like I've been married forever!  (Yeah, do the math)  My spouse and I have had our fair share of ups and downs, but let me tell you what, there is no other man in the world for me!  He is one sarcastic bastard and he compliments me perfectly.  I have found as each day goes on I'm more and more in love with him.  But enough of this sappy shit, lets get down to the nitty gritty...

My husband and I talk smack to each other on a continuous basis and have so much fun doing so.  We have even had friends visit and worry about how we speak to each other thinking we were serious.  We are told over and over again that we bicker like an old married couple.  Two things I find important:  1) Humor and  2) Communication...two things it took us years to find, but we now lay it on think!  Making up for lost time I think!

Ok, so now that you know I have 2 Things and a Head Thing lets get on to a little story.  This takes place two nights ago between the Head Thing and I as we laid in bed getting ready to go to sleep.  <ah-hem *clears throat*>  Somehow the conversation of my boobs came up, if that is what you would call them at this point.  I made a reference to them looking like... <*Sidebar* Have you ever had escargot?  I have...once, then spit it out.  It tasted like a balloon.  I think this is where my reference went wrong>...deflated escargot.  I think I meant to say deflated balloons, however this is not the worst part of the conversation.  Head Thing, witty as he is, immediately retorts, "nah, more like deflated souffle."  I immediately started laughing due to the image that I got in my head.  (See, we have a sick, twisted, humorful relationship!)  We shared a good laugh, had a couple more exchanges then the topic changed to...wait for it...financials.  Ehhhh.  But it turned out to be a conversation that put me to tears I was laughing so hard!  Head Thing finally described himself as the one that brings home the "bacon".  I got on the defensive and said "hey I've been bringing home some bacon too!"  My husband did the Pshhh laugh and told me that I was bringing home "bacon bits".  And that's when I lost it.  His witty retorts get me every single time.  I can't argue!  To an extent he was right. 

So now you have an idea of how the spouse and I work.  Now onto the Things.  Thing 1 is a total smart ass, just like me!  And yes, I am proud of it.  He is serious when the occasion calls for it and has manners like a gentleman, but if you ask a stupid question, expect a smart ass response.  He just started Kindergarten this year and is able to tell and comprehend jokes above his age level.  Yes, he makes mama proud!  Thing 2 on the other hand...we have been in the terrible 3's stage and I'm surprised my hair is not grey!  He is my mamma's boy, security blanket Linus, Tasmanian Devil!  They say you get what you give x10 when you have kids of your own.  Okay, I know I'm stubborn, but DAMN!  x10 is a bitch!  I love my little minions, the days I want to rip my hair out and all, but I pray for Thing 2's sake the stubbornness improves.  He has the attitude that he could play chicken with an oncoming vehicle and win.  Ahhh...fingers are crossed the stubbornness improves.  Definitely won't be holding my breath though.

Well I believe that is a good start.  Come back to see what stories I have to add of my Things' witty charms!

Thanks for reading!